just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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