if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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