I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
