Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
