Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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