Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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