You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
