I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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