i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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