Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
