I cannot find my penis.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
