I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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