So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
