I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
