I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
