if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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