she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We talked him into tasing himself.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
