She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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