I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
