if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
