I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just found puke in my bra..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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