never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
