Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
