i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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