Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
