Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
