Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
