Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
