sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
