she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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