i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
