Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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