You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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