Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
