fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My liver just broke up with me...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
