You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
