When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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