i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
