i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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