When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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