Ambien. No doubt about it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
