you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
