Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
