saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
