Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
