I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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