When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
