We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
