Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
