Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
