Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
