You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
